


Airborn

by ferric



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Ice Skating AU, M/M, Winter Olympics, figure skating AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-12 14:43:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1188993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferric/pseuds/ferric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi was a figure skater trying to get back on to his feet. Eren was his ex-rival.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some random background for the fic:
> 
> 1) This fic takes place in fall of 2012, before November, when the US Sectional Championship took place. Essentially Levi had to at least place in Sectionals before he could move on to Nationals, unlike Eren who won silver in the 2010’s Olympics in Vancouver and could just compete at Nationals without qualifier.
> 
> 2) Levi and Eren first met in the US Nationals at Spokane in 2007. Prior to this fic, Spokane in 2010 was the last time they met face-to-face. 
> 
> 3) Erwin was a skater himself but retired early after a serious back injury.
> 
> 4) Levi injured himself in Spokane 2010 while trying a quadruple axel.
> 
> 5) Erwin’s “Doesn’t mean he’ll do well. Having potential and actually getting the points are two very different things” refers to the fact that Evan Lysacek (USA) won the gold in Vancouver without a quad, when a quad was/is becoming a jump that’s expected of high level skaters.
> 
> Please nudge me with questions or anything that I made a mistake on because there are probably a lot!
> 
> and without further ado, this is part 1 of the fic!

The call came every week on a Saturday morning, but Levi never picked it up. The caller probably knew what time Levi’s mind woke up in the morning even if his body refused the reality, and the caller, bastard as he was, probably wanted to be the first thing that Levi heard in the morning. Levi shuffled to the other side of the bed, not quite having the courage to press the ignore button but not having the resolve to answer it either. He had picked it up three times before, and the content of each call was the same: National Championship was coming.

It was Levi’s chance to build up his competitiveness for the Olympics. With all the newcomers, all younger and fresh bodies with no injuries, Levi had to keep his game up if he wanted to be competitive.

Alternatively, he could get himself out of bed and made his way to the fresh market three streets down for fresh baked bread and chicken curry soup, tasks that were considerably more achievable and preferable since he fucked up his knee in the most spectacular fashion before the last Olympics.  

"I can’t skate anymore," Levi scowled into his pillow, as if the insistent caller could hear him. His right knee still stung even though it had healed long ago, as if reminding him—

_Don’t think about Vancouver._

The ringtone continued, annoying as always, but Levi found himself hiding a fond smile into his pillow. 2010. Spokane. Stravinsky. Firebird. Two triple axel combination. Bright red flame swishing over the ice, orange sparks in his brown hair.

"I wanted it to be a surprised for you" was Eren’s voice mail after the competition. Levi was surprised because at the time, it had been something he mentioned to Eren once two years before, and he didn’t think Eren would remember it.

Eren got silver at the Olympics that year, his proud smiling face grainy on the old TV. Levi had watched Eren then and knew that Eren at a place beyond his reach.

"Shut up, Eren," Levi sighed, and as if Eren could hear him, Firebird stopped abruptly at a rise.

Levi got up.

 

 

 

 

The rink was empty in the late evening, after the junior’s practices were over. Erwin hated it here and that was why Levi loved it. Apparently Erwin’s doctor was very gung-ho about Erwin cutting down on his cholesterol, so now instead of stopping by to get a greasy chili hot dog by the food stand, he just smiled at the young boy working the counter with an edge of envy. Levi traded his discomfort for Erwin because the other skating rink had a strange melting plastic smell from who knew what.

Besides, this was the place that Levi skated even before he knew what a jump was. Levi suspected that he was only allowed here because Erwin wanted to give him a sense of comfort in order to speed up his recovery.

Levi inhaled a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

"You’ll be fine," Erwin said, placing his palms on the side of the rink, waiting for Levi to get on the ice. He was as nervous as Levi was.

Despite the familiarity, the skates felt foreign on Levi’s feet. The wide expanse of white awaited him, and there was a time that he spoke to them with familiarity. But here he was, anxious, cold sweat prickling at his back, phantom eyes were staring at him, even though the entire rink was empty saved for him and Erwin.

Levi forced himself to move forward, gliding through the ice to gain speed.

It was all in the head.

The pain wasn’t real.

Levi took another deep breath and let it out slowly. He could make it happen. He had failed the other times, but he could do it today. If he could do it today, there would be a slight possibility that his skating could be saved. He could catch up.

_"You missed a season."_

_"An entire season."_

His legs felt like they were made of iron, heavy and immovable, every muscle straining and tense.

Eren got so much better over that one season difference. That quad in Greensboro was absolutely stunning and clean and miles of improvement from the Eren of years ago when Levi knew him, but Levi was still here, and he didn’t know Eren anymore and he was stuck and he couldn’t move and his legs wouldn’t obey him and  _how could he miss Vancouver—_

Levi clamped down on his thoughts and took off with his left side outer edge, stepped into the jump with his right, and propelled himself into the air. _It wasn’t enough_ , he realized.  _Not enough height_. As he crossed his left foot over his right, a sharp pain shot up his right knee.

Levi realized with horror that he wasn’t going to be able to land on his right. Not like this.

He could barely hear Erwin’s shout as his skate slipped over the ice with a resounding clack, tipping over the far right way too much, and then Levi tumbled, the world spinning in white and Erwin’s panic shout. Levi felt the burn on his face before his entire body landed on the ice, Eren’s disappointed face flashing in his mind, Debussy stuttering like a broken record, the pain in his knee deep within the bone clawing its way up his thigh to his hip, and then Levi slid and slid and slid and lost in the spiral before Erwin caught him with a strong arm.

"Levi!"

Everything stopped spinning.

"You’re alright," Erwin said gently as Levi smacked Erwin’s hand away.

"I can get up by myself," Levi scowled, trying to get to his feet even though his entire right leg felt like sharp knives puncturing his flesh into the bones. Erwin caught him before he fell again. "You don’t have to help me."

"Let’s take a break," Erwin said, and Levi didn’t say another word as they got off the ice.

He couldn’t skate.

Not like this.

"Why didn’t you get back up?" Erwin handed him bottle of water. Levi shook his head, and Erwin tossed it back into the sport bag. "You could have gotten back up and kept going."

"There was no point. I can’t do it," Levi mumbled, hoping that Erwin wouldn’t hear.

"What?" Erwin frowned. "Why didn’t you get back up and keep going? Sorry, I didn’t hear you the first time."

"My knee started hurting again," Levi said instead, and he was about to tell Erwin to give him on him, to find another younger upcoming skater to coach, to find a better prospect, to move on like—

like Eren did—

But Levi couldn’t say it.

Erwin stared at him.

"Let’s check up with the doctor again," Erwin patted his shoulder. Erwin didn’t mean a medical doctor. "Don’t ditch this time."

Levi stared marks on the ice where he failed spectacularly, and did not say another word.

 

 

***

 

 

Levi didn’t remember much about Spokane in 2007 except for Eren.

The first time Levi saw Eren was at Spokane. He was only fifteen at the time, a young skater that was the most competitive in the junior competitions now moving on to bigger lakes. Levi had taken one look at him before skating to the side of the rink to Erwin. Trying to be as subtle as possible, Levi gestured to the far left with a shrug of his left shoulder. “He’ll be someone to watch out for.”

"Really?" Erwin raised an eyebrow just as Eren fell on his attempt at a triple loop. "What makes you say that?"

"He has powerful legs," said Levi, not looking but knowing without a doubt that Eren was back on his feet within seconds. "He’s quick on his feet and knows how to fix a jump, but at the moment he doesn’t seem to execute what he knows well."

"It’s all about the execution," Erwin pointed out.

True.

"He seems like he’ll make a quad axel after a good several years." Levi felt a strange need to defend this boy. He wasn’t much, but Levi could see the potential there.  

"Doesn’t mean he’ll do well. Having potential and actually getting the points are two very different things." Erwin nudged his arm. "Now stop jerking off to someone ten years younger than you and focus on winning."

"Always about points," Levi sighed. "How boring. It’s all about the skills, Erwin."

"I know you have them, so go win."

"Yes, commander."

Of course, as Levi expected, Eren did spectacularly well despite his rocky warm-up. Nearly perfect, although his transitions needed work and his movements were still very stiff. It was enough to land him in third place though, and Levi gave Erwin a knowing look when the scores came rolling in.

"You did great," Levi offered his hand for a handshake after the competition was over and they were getting ready in the changing room.

Eren—and Levi still remembered it up to his day—stared at him with deer-like, shocked eyes. “M-me?”

"Do you see anyone else around?" Levi deadpanned.

Eren looked around the empty locker room. “No?” He quickly recovered however, just like how he was on the ice. “Thank you!” Eren clasped both of his hands over Levi, and Levi noted the dry and clean palms with approval. “I didn’t expect—wow—you’re amazing and I didn’t think you would notice my skating. I’m nothing on Bossard though.”

Everyone was raving about Levi, of course, but they also thought that Auruo Bossard was Levi’s serious contender. With all the hype, everyone forgot about Eren, especially after his rough warm-up, and even though Eren proved them wrong, the matter of the fact was, Levi and Auruo were the crowd’s favorite for the 2010 Olympics. NBC was already up and about with their endorsement and advertising.

It was shitty, but it meant that Eren didn’t stand a chance.

"You’ll be able to surpass Bossard next year," Levi said without hesitation. "I’ve seen what you can do."

"Do you really think so?" Eren’s eyes were glued onto Levi, hopeful. Levi was probably the first person to tell him that.

"Yeah."

Eren’s face turned pink, and suddenly he tightened his grip on Levi’s hand. “Do you really think I have a chance to go to the 2010 Olympics with you?”

Wait.

With him?

"I think you have a shot at the Olympics for yourself." Levi emphasized on the "yourself." "If you get at least second."

Eren’s eyes became wider if possible. “Do you think I can get second or first?”

"Calm down. I said that you can get at least second. I didn’t say that I was going to hand first place to you." The shot at the gold at Vancouver was his. He had been waiting for a chance to face down Canada’s Nile Dawk ever since the last Olympics. He needed to at least place first in Nationals next year and in 2010 in order to be in the same caliber as Nile. And he would need to seal that quad-triple-triple combination that he had been working on.              

"That doesn’t mean I won’t take it away from you," Eren frowned. The goodwill mood turned sour fast. So Eren was the type to get emotional quickly, Levi noted. He was only fifteen.

Levi pulled—or yanked, rather—his hand away from Eren. He made sure his duffle bag was zipped before swinging it easily over his shoulders. It was late. He was tired. He tried to be nice. And this kid was annoying. However, it didn’t really matter what kind of person Eren was as long as he could skate, and if he wanted to make a competitor out of Levi, he would have to prove himself first. “Get to Bossard level, and then we’ll talk.”

"Never mind that, I’ll get to your level someday," and then Eren was in Levi’s face, his disgustingly warm breaths tickling Levi’s nose. This close, Levi could see the sweat beading right above Eren’s lip. Gross. The area of skin under Eren’s chin was also damped with sweat. Disgusting.

"Get out of my face." Levi’s voice was low. A warning.

This was why people needed to shower. Levi didn’t understand what was so hard about showering after an event.               

For a while, Eren refused to move. He kept staring down at Levi, but Levi stood his ground. Levi might not be as tall as Eren, but he wasn’t going to be easily intimidated by someone who wimped out of a triple axel double toe combination with just the triple.

But Levi’s politeness reached its limit. He covered the lower half of his face and turned away from Eren. “You reek.”

The smell was just too much for him.

Eren looked at Levi incredulously. “You’re doing a competitive sport, and you can’t stand a little sweat?”

"Doing sport and being dirty are two different things," Levi mumbled into his palm. "Get out of my face. The sweat on your neck is giving me the creep."

Eren backed away slowly, and Levi didn’t let go of the hand on his face until Eren was a good several feet away from him. That was much better.

At the sudden interruption by Levi’s need for cleanliness, the competitive tension between them seemed to die out without recovery. They stared at each other at a loss of what to say next. Levi was about to voice out a farewell and maybe “see you at the next competition,” but he wasn’t polite enough for the latter, so just a simple “bye” was enough.          

But then Eren surprised them both by breaking into a laugh.

"Sorry," Eren hiccupped in between each laugh, trying to catch his breath. "You’ll been my idol since forever, but I didn’t expect you to be so different than what I’ve imagined."

Levi got that a lot. “I have heard that people thought I was a model.” More like model ex-inmate, but the shorter version sounded much better. Besides, Hanji did say that if she took off her glasses and squinted, he resembled a K-pop star. Close enough.

Eren shook his head, laughter dying down to a smile that curves over his cheeks to his eyes. “It’s not that. I didn’t think you would be so….strange. You always seem so cool and collected and strong on ice, but I didn’t know you could be so vulnerable to something as small as dirt or sweat.”

"I’m not vulnerable," Levi said, unzipping a small opening in his bag to pull out a bottle of hand sanitizer. "I’m always armed and ready."

Eren kept shaking his head while grinning, and Levi didn’t think it was fair that Eren called him strange because Eren was a strange person himself.  Levi thought about the skin tight black pants that hugged Eren’s strong legs perfectly, the fabric fading into blue and white patterns of petals as it reached his shoulder, graceful body flowing with Chopin, and then Eren flew in the air, a flickering blue flame over the ice.

It was a shame that Eren couldn’t complete that combination, but his skating was still hauntingly beautiful.

The Eren in front of Levi was different though. It was as if all of the life that hid under the black and blue and white fabric was bursting free, a bright smoldering red flame, and Levi spoke before he could stop himself.

"You remind me of Firebird."

Eren’s confusion washed away the amusement from his face. “What is Firebird?”

"Eren?" A voice interrupted them before Levi could speak. 

"Mikasa, you can come into the men’s locker room!"

"It’s not like there is anything I haven’t seen before, anyway." A young woman with dark hair stepped into view from behind the row of lockers. Eren sputtered at her words, his face turning red. "Are you ready?" Finally, spotting Levi, she waved at him. "Hello."

"Hello." Levi nodded.

"Yeah, let’s go," Eren said, swinging his bag strap over his shoulder. "Ummm," he turned back to Levi. "Thank you. It was really nice to talk to you. I’ll definitely see you at the Nationals next year."

"I won’t be waiting for you to catch up to Auruo." Levi crossed his arms, knowing that he was going to like Eren’s response.

Eren did not disappoint him.

"You don’t have to wait for long."

 

 

***

 

 

"How was it?" Erwin asked as Levi fastened his skates.

Levi wondered if he wanted to give Erwin the nice version or the real version. He would go with the nice, since Erwin could probably guess the real version anyway.

"It sucks," said Levi. It was an hour of endless questions that led to nowhere, and even though the therapist was patient with him, Levi ended up getting angry anyway.

 _"Why do you think your knee is no good?"_  Hanji had asked, but then Levi couldn’t face her anymore and ended up becoming angry for reasons he didn’t quite understand. Yes, he knew that it had healed, but he couldn’t jump, why didn’t anyone understand that?

"Why are we here?" Levi said, wanting to kick something to cool the shimmering frustration inside him but didn’t want to ruin his skates.

"What do you mean?"

"Why are we wasting time here?" Levi scowled, the burn in his chest that lingered there ever since the therapy session threatening to come out in full force. "When it’s fucking clear that I can’t even move my legs correctly?"

"You can move your legs," Erwin said slowly. "You can skate through the ice just fine."

Yes, Levi knew his knee had healed, yes, Levi could move through the ice just fine, yes, he could skate like every little kid in this freaking town, yes, the pain was in his head, and yes, he needed to go to therapy and fixed his head and fixed everything, but he couldn’t fucking skate and nobody seemed to notice that and why was everyone ignoring the fact that—

"I can’t do any fucking jumps!"

Both Erwin and Levi jumped at the sharp rise of Levi’s voice. As if he was a wind-up toy, the spring unloosened in his chest, and words scrambled out of his mouth hastily. “It’s not good enough if I can’t even jump! Why are you wasting time here?”

Levi’s voice echoed through the nearly empty rink.

Erwin was shocked into silence

Calmness slowly settled over Levi as all of the frustration inside seeped out of him, ghosting over the white ice. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through his nose. A moment of panic washed over him as he thought, this was it, this was the final straw, Erwin had tried everything and nothing worked and Levi still couldn’t skate, this was the moment that Erwin was going to turn his back on Levi too.

Levi closed his eyes and lowered his head between his knees.

He felt Hanji’s calming voice whispering to him.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

Erwin went and sat next to Levi, his thigh bumping against Levi, a solid presence. Still here. Erwin was stupid that way.

"I’m not wasting anytime by being here, Levi," Erwin said softly.

Levi swallowed.

"I’m fine now," he said.

Erwin didn’t say a word.

Levi didn’t get up again until twenty minutes later, and they tried practicing on the ice again.

 

 

 

 

Levi came home after another disappointing practice to another voicemail on his phone. He didn’t have to check it to know who it was from because it was the same voicemail that he had received for months.

Levi never called the person back.  

But he always listened to the message left behind.

"Hey Levi?" Eren’s familiar voice called out to him. It was deeper than it had been, Levi noted.  He braced himself for the next few words, knowing what they were going to be. Another reminder of the coming national competition. Another reminder that he still couldn’t skate.

Levi’s knee suddenly jerked with pain.

He shouldn’t even be listening to this call, but he just missed Eren’s voice so much. There were only so many of the figure skating events that Levi could watch on TV to search for Eren before it became too much to watch.

"I just want to say that I miss you," Eren said, and Levi’s eyes shot open in surprise. "I hope to see you soon."

A loud beep.

"To repeat this message, press—"

Levi pressed four.

Eren’s voice filled his ears again.

"Hey Levi—"

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Often, figure skaters would use the same program from World Championship, National Championship, or other big events in the Olympics.
> 
> In this case, Eren used the same program (music: Stravinsky’s Firebird) from the 2010 National Championship at the 2010 Olympics Vancouver, except he added a quad axel at the Olympics.

 

 

The first time Levi knew that he wanted to fly was also the first time he met Erwin. Levi worked part time teaching people who had never skated before, mostly children, how to skate. It was nothing complicated because the actual junior figure skating class was taught by Petra, and the majority of the time, Levi spent on the ice trying to comfort little kids that it was okay to fall, and falling was how they learn to skate better.

After class, Levi waited for all the parents to come and picked their kids up. They all seemed adequately satisfied that Levi babysat their children while they were still at work, and some of them even talked to Levi.

But Levi’s favorite part of the day was when everyone left, and it was just him on the ice and the music blasting from the sideline. Every movement felt effortless as he spun through the ice. The white surface swished under his blades as if speaking to him, and Levi felt as if his feet were meant to be there, alive in the midst of winter, taking breaks three seasons of the year.  

The music twisted and turned, and then it sharpened to a point, Levi reaching out his hands on instinct, trying to pull it back. The notes quivered in protest, and Levi slid back and away, but it leaped after him, pleading, and the ice underneath him seemed to be pleading too. Levi closed his eyes, allowing the music to leave goose bumps on his skin as each high note prickled his arms.

"Have you tried a jump?"

Levi’s eyes snapped open as the music left him, the connection gone with the rude interruption. The music was still playing in the background, but it ran off, disconnected.

It was that blond man again, Petra’s fiancé. Petra said that he used to be a skater too, and apparently Levi was supposed to recognize him, but Levi admitted that he didn’t really follow the sport.

The man tightened the knot on his skates before slipping into the ice.

"No, I’ve never tried to jump," said Levi.

"Why not?" Erwin glided up next to him. Up close, he was even ridiculously taller than Levi originally thought. Petra had been raving about her fiancé, but this was the first time Levi had seen him, and she was not exaggerating his features.

"I don’t know how to."

"Want me to show you?"

Levi shrugged.

Apparently Erwin took that as a yes. Levi didn’t remember nodding.

Levi watched with half of his interest in Erwin and the other half more concerned about breaking loose from Erwin and get some alone time again (although this half was more like three-fourths). Erwin was definitely on the heavy side, but he moved through the ice so smoothly that he appeared weightless. Levi wasn’t quite interested in that though.           

But then there was a sharp clack on the ice, and Levi stared as Erwin propelled himself into the air with the back edge of one foot; Levi took in a sharp breath while Erwin flew as smoothly in the air as he had moved on ground. Levi didn’t remember how long he was holding in that breath as Erwin spun as if he was pulling all the wind to him and Levi couldn’t pull his eyes away because the spins were mesmerizing, tugging at Levi and yanking him in, and then, only when Erwin landed with a soft clunk on the surface did Levi breathe again, barely remembering that there couldn’t possibly be any wind in here.

Erwin glided gently in two thirds of a circle, back leg and both arms out for balance, before he slid up to Levi.

"Have you ever tried that?" Erwin asked. Levi knew that he must have a stupid expression on his face because Erwin was giving him a smile in return.

"No," Levi said feeling shaky inside, and before Erwin could open his mouth, Levi quickly added. "Can you teach me to fly like that?"

Erwin looked as surprised as Levi had felt.

"I was going to offer to teach you."

There were no feelings that could even come close to the feeling of being air born.

Everything just melted away in a fast blur, and nothing else mattered but the sharp tightening of his chest as his feet left the ground and the power thrumming through his body as he spun in the air, unbounded by gravity, powerful and free, but then a reminder of gravity returned with a drop in his stomach, and  _down down down_  he went, the world cleared up again from the haze of freedom back into shapes and lines and colors, sights now only faintly familiar to the edge of his consciousness.

A sharp sound of skate on ice snapped him back once more to reality.

Levi slowly regained his breathing.

"That was amazing," Erwin clapped, surprise breaking out in short gasps with his laughs. "Wow—I didn’t think you could complete that with the first try but you did."

Erwin continued talking excitedly as Levi came up to him, his mind still numb with the feeling of the jump. Levi couldn’t exactly hear Erwin well, as if he was trapped inside a bubble and all of Erwin’s words were bouncing off the walls, only a few muffled syllables reaching Levi’s ear.

"What?" Levi shook his head, trying to clear his mind from the numbness.

"I said, you have some natural talent here," Erwin said. "Your body seemed to move on instinct as if it’s natural for you to balance your body in the air."

"Can you teach me more?" Levi asked eagerly.

Erwin hesitated then, his smile waning into a neutral one that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m not the person you should ask this from. It had been a long time since I skated, and I don’t think I can teach you properly.”

"You said it yourself that I have natural talent." Levi wasn’t going to let this go because he knew that he had to get back into the air again. "You can teach me what you can, and I will learn it without fail."

"The problem isn’t you."

Levi wanted to ask what Erwin meant by that, but judging from Erwin’s face, he knew he shouldn’t bring it up. He remembered Petra mentioning that Erwin had a bad back injury, and he had to abruptly retire even though he wanted to keep skating. Petra had even suggested that he coached to keep in touch with his favorite sport, but it was too much for Erwin to handle.

"I trust you," said Levi.

Levi could see it in Erwin’s eyes, years of regrets and insecurities and that deep want of being on ice again. Erwin closed his eyes.

He sighed heavily.

 

 

 

Petra would not stop thanking Levi.

"I didn’t do anything," Levi sighed as he wiped down the food mess that one of the students accidentally spilled over the bench. He viciously scrubbed at the orange soda stain on the ground as much as he could as Petra continue to gush.

"He wouldn’t stop talking about ice skating, no Levi, you don’t understand," Petra gestured for Levi to take the left while she took on the spill on the right. "I haven’t seen Erwin this excited since…forever. He wasn’t depressed, but there was something missing inside him for years now, you know? But now that missing thing is back in his life, and I’m really glad for it."    

Levi thought that he understood. Probably.

"To celebrate your decision to go professional, you should come over today for dinner!" Petra chirped excitedly, and it took Levi a full minute to catch that.

"Wait, who’s going professional?"

 

 

 

 

Levi knew perfectly well that he started figure skating later in life than any other professional or professional-hopeful. Their city was too small, so he, Erwin, and Petra, with Petra at the driver’s seat, all squeezed in Erwin’s tiny Ford to make their way to the county competition.

Levi didn’t really understand the working of paperwork, but luckily Erwin was in love with paperwork for some strange reason ( _"He’s secretly a control freak,"_  Petra whispered secretly to Levi as they did the dishes together after a celebratory dinner), so all Levi knew was his program, his music, where he was going (Petra was in charge of this), and that he was going to skate. Erwin checked the gas three times before Petra scolded him because she knew what she was doing, thank you, and with all of their stuff in the trunk along with a cooler of food that Petra packed in the front seat, they made their four hour drive to the county competition.

"You’re going to be great!" Petra said encouragingly while Erwin looked over Levi’s program again. She took a quick glance at Erwin before Levi told her to keep her eyes on the road.

"Now, a lot of people there will have at least three or four years of experience over you," Erwin said.   "But you’re going to be fine. This competition is just to get you used to competitive skating."

"So we’re not there to win?" Levi asked, and at his words, Erwin frowned.

"I didn’t say that."

"But you just said that it’s to get Levi used to competition." Petra turned her face toward Erwin but kept her eyes on the cars ahead.

"I didn’t say that he’s there to lose."

"So you want me to place in a competition where everyone else had more experience than me?" Levi leaned back on the seat, resting his head on the plush headrest. Erwin didn’t mention any of this when they were practicing; he just said that he expected 120% from Levi. Petra said that Erwin should be better with math if he was calculating what scores Levi would get with moves, and the percentage scale was out of 100, but Erwin just gave her a blank stare as if 120% was a perfectly reasonable thing to expect.          

"Just do your best," Petra said. "We believe in you."

After hours of grueling waiting for a five minute program, five triangular-cut roast beef with Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, and overpriced avocado sandwiches divided among the three of them, two cups of hot chocolate because Erwin didn’t want any, a shower for Levi, three magazines and one book for Petra, several hours of Erwin watching competitors with cold eyes, Levi received third place and they went home.

To Levi’s defense, Erwin never specified which place Levi was supposed to earn.

It honestly didn’t matter because Levi did his first triple combination that day.

 

 

***

 

 

Of course Levi was enjoying another lovely month where he was unable to skate properly and couldn’t afford to miss another season when Eren knocked on his door. Literally.

When Eren said that he was going to see him soon, Levi didn’t think it was this soon.

“Wait!” Eren shouted as Levi began to shut the door on Eren. “My transfer flight got delayed to the next day, and you’re the only local I know!”

It was an hour and a half drive from the nearest airport to Levi’s place.

“There’s an inn about fifteen minutes from here,” said Levi. He told himself that he wasn’t going to play this game with Eren, but he couldn’t shut the door. It had been a long time since he’d seen Eren and heard his voice with something other than a phone. From the small crack of the door, Levi could see black gloves peeking from a brown coat sleeve, the same coat that Levi saw on him in Spokane.  

“I took a cab here and I don’t have enough cash on me to pay the guy.”

“You idiot.” Levi opened the door then. “How much is it?” He tried to sound irritated as he reached for his wallet, but he couldn’t keep his eyes from Eren who was grinning stupidly like always. Levi tried to fill in the gaps in his memories, like the freckles at the tip of Eren’s nose and a small chip on his left front teeth, but there were other familiar things that he was reminded of, like Eren’s annoyingly loud voice and wide-set eyes.

Eren must have noticed that Levi was staring at him because he said, “I missed you too.”

Levi didn’t say a word as he walked out to the balcony, spotting the waiting taxi driver across the parking lot. Great. Levi had enough cash on him but he didn’t have enough after this for the pizza that he was going to order later.

So after the cab driver was properly paid and tipped, Levi helped Eren dragged his luggage back up to Levi’s condo.

“One night,” Levi reminded Eren as he pulled Eren’s suitcase into the guest room. “I’ll drive you to the airport in the morning.”

Eren hovered at the door of the guestroom, looking much less confident than he was before. “If I tell you that I lied to you, will you get angry?”

“What is it?”

“My flight isn’t delayed. I’m flying out in a week.” Eren flinched when he saw Levi’s lips thinning to a grim line. Levi dropped Eren’s suitcase where it was and walked briskly to leave the room. Eren took a step from the door but stopped halfway through, standing out in the hallway but still blocking Levi’s way. “Wait, let me explain.”

“You didn’t book a hotel, did you?”

“No,” Eren said, sounding slightly remorseful. “I didn’t think this through.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

Levi gave him a look, and Eren let him through the door. “I want to see how you’re doing.”

“And now you saw.” Levi said, heading to the living room, Eren close at his heels. Levi sat down onto the couch with a sigh, crossing his right knee over his left.

Eren eyed Levi’s knee for a fraction of a second before meeting Levi’s eyes, but despite his effort to hide it, Levi caught him. “How are you doing?”

“I still fuck up on the ice, if that’s what you’re asking.” Levi watched the wince on Eren’s face with a nearly sadistic satisfaction, except the pull of guilt at the back of his mind prevented him from fully enjoying it. Especially since Eren kept glancing nervously at his knee, and Levi wanted to tell him to quit it.   

  
“That’s not what I meant.” Eren shoved his hands into his pockets even though he still had gloves on and the inside of Levi’s condo was warm. “I asked how you are.”

“Still a useless old man, if that’s what you want to know.” If Eren was here to find out whether Levi was ready to get back into competitions again, he would be sorely disappointed. Levi braced himself for the inevitable question, but it never came. Instead, Eren took his hands out of his pockets, probably realizing that it was too warm, the idiot. He tugged off his gloves and tossed them on Levi’s coffee table before making his way to the couch to sit to Levi, but Levi stopped him with a raised hand.

“You’re not leaving a mess on my coffee table.”

“It’s only a pair of gloves!”

“It always starts with one thing.”

“Okay, I’ll take it off the table.” Eren picked them up and shoved them hastily in his pockets. Without even asking for permission, he plopped himself down next to Levi, and he even dare to lift his feet to rest them on the table before he caught Levi’s glare and promptly placed them back down on the floor.   

Within a span of fifteen minutes, Eren managed to get on Levi’s nerves without trying.

“I haven’t eaten dinner. Have you eaten dinner yet?” Eren drummed his fingers on this thigh and Levi noted the small scar at the base of his wrist. He hadn’t seen that scar before.

“I haven’t,” Levi sighed.

Dinner sounded like a good idea.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Pizza. But thanks to somebody, I don’t have enough cash to order.”

“It’s fine; I have a lot of cash.” Eren pulled out his wallet to show Levi. Several neatly folded twenties sat in the fold of leather.

“Oh fuck you,” Levi said. “You could have paid for the cab.”

Eren sputtered. “Yeah, but you probably wouldn’t let me stay!”

“I can kick you out right now.”

“I’ll pay you back.” Eren attempted to make a kicked-puppy expression as if Levi was going to give in to it. “Please let me stay.”

Levi was doing a lot of sighing today. “Why do you want to stay with me so badly?”

Eren’s voice was soft. “I miss the old times.”

“What old times? You’ve never stayed over before,” Levi scowled, even though he knew what Eren was referring to. Even if he wanted to, Levi couldn’t bring the old time back. He’d tried.

“Well, I should have stayed over at least once,” Eren said. His hand reached out for Levi’s knee, but then his hand stopped, hovering in the air awkwardly. Eren looked at Levi, eyes asking for permission.

“It’d been healed for a long time now,” Levi said.

Eren patted Levi’s thigh comfortingly. He didn’t ask why Levi couldn’t skate. “That’s good. As long as you’re okay.”

“Stuck here and can’t even skate to save my fucking life.” Levi sounded bitterer than he intended to, but it was too late to take back his words. “Of course I’m okay.”

Eren clenched his jaws tight, his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed heavily, and Levi waited for it, body tensing for the confrontation that had been delayed for a year now. Eren had incredible control, however, because he clamped back his urge to confront Levi.

Levi didn’t recognize this Eren. “Stop pitying me. It’s disgusting.”

“I’m not,” Eren snapped, and Levi braced himself, but Eren’s anger left as easy as it came. “I’m also not here to pick a fight.”

Levi didn’t say anything at first. He uncrossed his legs and got to his feet, feeling lightheaded with the realization that Eren had matured so much in the past year that he hadn’t seen him. Levi himself, on the other hand, remained stagnant.

“Let’s figure out dinner.”  

 

 

 

 

They spent the entire evening sitting on the couch and devouring the entire large pizza—jalapenos and Italian sausage for Levi and barbeque chicken and mushroom for Eren. That Robocop show was on, not something terribly exciting but it didn’t matter anyway because Levi couldn’t focus. Levi was too aware of Eren’s thigh next to his, warm and comfortable, jostling his leg every time Eren reached for another slice of pizza.

“So your parents are still doing okay?” Levi had met them once, and they were lovely people. Eren’s mom always told Levi that Eren would never shut up about him, earning a nice red flush on Eren’s face and a whine  _“Mom.”_  She also said that Levi was welcome to visit them anytime. Eren’s dad always checked on Eren’s conditions after every event, a doctor on and off the job. He was a quiet man that only spoke when absolutely necessary.   

“They’re doing great. Dad’s doing more family practice now. He’s always busy, but at least he has more time to be home with Mom,” Eren said between bites of pizza. “Mom got a new job as an administrator somewhere, I forgot. I didn’t really get it when she explained it to me.”

Levi nodded along, feeling glad to hear that they were well. Suddenly, Eren shot up from his lazy slouch on the couch. “Hey, I’m going to my parents’ place after this week. Do you want to come?”

“Why?”

“We’ve been trying to get you to visit us,” Eren said, words rushing out in excitement. Levi watched the half-eaten slice of pizza that swung around in Eren’s excitement, silently hoping that the sausages hanging that the edge would survive and not face a spectacular death on Levi’s newly cleaned carpet. “So why not now? Unless you’re very busy and can’t take a weekend off.”

Levi immediately thought of what Erwin would say to this. Before Levi’s injury, he would have frowned at Levi missing even one practice, and Levi would never even suggest the idea of missing skating for anything else. But not now.

“I’ll ask Erwin,” Levi said at last.

Eren perked up at that. “You’re still skating.”

“That’s great,” Eren laughed lightly in short burst of air as if the news was too much. “That’s amazing. I knew that you would be able to get back on your feet because you’re you.”

“Do you think you know me?” Levi raised an eyebrow.

“Not that well,” Eren admitted. “But I believe in you.”

“You might be disappointed.” Levi was surprised that he didn’t say “will be” because he already knew how this was going to turn out, but Eren was looking at him with such hopeful eyes.

“I won’t be disappointed in you,” Eren said.     

Levi turned away, feeling his chest stretching tight.

“I just hope that we could skate on the ice together some day.” Eren didn’t even look embarrassed. Levi wasn’t the one saying those words, but he felt his cheeks warming all the same. “It’s not the same without you out there.”

“I’m sure you have plenty of competitors out there for you,” Levi scoffed. There were always new people, younger people, and better people. Figure skating was a sport that waited for no one. Levi was no exception.

“I do,” Eren admitted. “I won’t slow down even if you have fallen behind.” The words stung Levi more than he had expected. Levi would be angrier at Eren if Eren dared to halt his growth because of him, but hearing the facts still hurt. “But I will wait for your return to my side.”

Levi thought of the old headlines with their faces plastered across the newsprint, the glaringly loud articles on the internet, the glossy pages of magazines buzzing about their rivalries, annoying interviews where the interviewers tried to get some dirt on their relationship, hoping that there was more bitterness between the two to make a good story. But then all of that was replaced by a resounding shocking news that Levi hurting his knee, Spokane and Levi’s dream of the Olympics in Vancouver gone up in smoke. Then everyone was swept away by the Olympics, Eren fresh and young and stunning with Stravinsky’s Firebird and beautiful quad axel. Erwin had told him, _“Levi, don’t watch it,”_  but Levi did because it was Eren, and he had to watch Eren, his heart squeezing tight because Eren was a graceful but powerful phoenix on ice just as Levi had always knew him to be, and Levi loved and hated Eren at the same time because Levi wanted to be there too, but now Levi had to live with the realization that Eren was going out of his reach, that everything was slipping away from him.

Their rivalry began with Spokane and ended with Spokane.

Eren had said to return to his side, and something inside Levi burned with anger because once upon a time, that was something that he could say to Eren,  _“Catch up to me,”_  but now Levi was in such a pathetic place it wasn’t even worth mentioning that he was trying to get back to his feet again.

“Stop waiting because I’m not going back anytime soon,” Levi said, his words coming out sharper than he intended.

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Levi tried to sound as casual as he can, plopping the rest of the pizza crust into his mouth and chewing slowly without a care in the world.

Eren placed the rest of his slice back in the box, and Levi made a protesting noise because  _gross_. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter? Do you want to give up now?”

“No.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Levi wished he knew. “If I could answer that my therapist would have been on vacation right now.”          

“You’re seeing a shrink?” Eren looked like he wasn’t aware that the problem was so serious, and Levi resisted the urge to sigh.

“Yes, I am seeing a therapist and yes, I can’t even do a single salchow now without falling on my ass. Happy?” Levi desperately needed a drink. This conversation was turning into something exhausting.

Eren was at a loss of what to say, his mouth opened in a small “oh” as he realized the gravity of Levi’s situation. Not even able to do a single salchow? Compared to him pre-knee problem? That was pretty bad. Not just pretty bad, downright embarrassing.

This was why Levi didn’t want to tell Eren anything because now Eren was giving him that helpless and pitying look.

“Was it my fault?” Eren stared at his feet. “Was it because of my gibe during the program?”

Levi remembered Eren’s eyes meeting his, a little smirk at him before gliding easily into an entry of a triple lutz followed by a triple loop and a triple salchow, spinning so fast that he was spreading wild fire across the white landscape. Levi’s heart skipped a beat because it was perfect, plain perfect. Eren had did just as Levi advised him to do because the landing after the lutz transition smoothly into the loop without Eren’s usual hesitation. Stravinsky’s Firebird leaped across the ice with Eren, and Levi’s mind was having a hard time processing this because “ _Eren remembered. He remembered Firebird.”_

 _“You sure you can top me, old man?”_  Eren had taunted him before it was his turn because he knew he did well and it was everything that Levi wanted to see from him, and Levi was so proud, and he wanted to give everything that Eren wanted to see too, and he had said,  _“I can’t hear you very well, Eren. Try and talk to me again when you’re old enough to get that pacifier out of your mouth.”_

“No, don’t be stupid,” Levi said, and when Eren didn’t seem to believe him, he ruffled Eren’s hair. “Hey, it’s not your fault.”

“But I—”

“Eren, I fucked up. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own.” That was a memory he’d rather not think about, but he could never forget it. He couldn’t finish that last rotation, he should have finished that last rotation, but he didn’t and it cost him his knee when he fumbled to stay upright, but it wasn’t enough because his momentum was working against him. Levi didn’t remember anything after the ice scratched at his side, but when he blinked up at the ceiling above all he saw were horrified faces,  _“He’s awake. Keep him awake. He hit his head pretty hard,”_  and the sharp pain on his knee was spreading to his upper thigh, and Levi felt sick to his stomach, knowing that it was over. Vancouver was out of reach.

“But you never fell before, not until that day,” Eren said, and that was what everybody had said, everyone had expected consistency from Levi, everyone had expected only the best from Levi, and when Levi fell he became useless to them, they had felt betrayed, so they abandoned him.

Levi swallowed. “Even the best of mankind will eventually fall.”

“Arrogant of you to put yourself among the best of mankind,” Eren chuckled weakly. Levi knew that he was waiting for Levi to give a retort, but he didn’t have anything to give Eren, not anymore.

“It’s late,” Levi said instead. “We should clean up.”       

 

 

 

 

Eren collapsed in his bed and fell into a deep sleep before Levi could even give him a spare brush and a clean towel to clean up. Levi made a disapproving noise, but Eren wasn’t awake for it. Levi set the brush and the towel by the bedside so that Eren could use them when he woke up.

Levi walked outside. The cold air outside cleared his head and washed away the strange haze that had been clouding his mind since Eren came.

Levi called Erwin. Before Erwin could even say “Levi?” Levi immediately asked, “Eren’s here. Do you know anything about that?”

There was silence on the other side. Then, “Really?”

“Erwin, don’t play dumb.”

“Fine. Eren contacted me for several months now asking how you were doing because you wouldn’t answer his calls.”

“And you think that I would like to see him invading my place when I don’t even answer his calls?”

Another silence. Then, “Levi, are you still mad at Eren?”

“I’m not mad at Eren,” Levi grimaced. That wasn’t what this was about, Erwin.

“I think you’re still mad,” Erwin said.

“You think this is about Eren?”

“No, I think you should take Monday off and go talk to Hanji about Eren.”

“So you do think this is about Eren.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then why did you bring him up?” Why did everything have to be about Eren? Why did everyone think this is about Eren? 

“I think you have unresolved issues, and Eren is related to them.”

Levi paused at that. Erwin found this as a cue to keep going. “I know you, Levi. I know that you can jump as if you were born to do it. You can’t do it now because something is weighing down your mind.”

“Wanting to fuck him isn’t a reason why I can’t jump, Erwin. I thought you knew me better than that,” Levi said dryly.

“We both know that’s not what I meant.”

Another silence. Levi leaned back against the railings of the walkway, looking up the nearly black sky. A tiny red light blinked as it flew past the field of twinkling white stars. Neither of them spoke.  

 “Erwin,” Levi whispered. “Do you know why I can’t jump?”

Levi heard a sharp breath from the other line. Erwin was silent for a moment, but then he spoke so softly Levi barely caught his words. “I think I do know why.”

“Tell me,” Levi demanded. He was tired of searching for the answers himself. He was tired of going to Hanji and asking her to lead him to the answers within himself that weren’t there. He wanted them now. He wanted to jump again. He wanted to stop being so useless.       

“Levi, it’s just a guess. I don’t want to be presumptuous about what you may or may not feel.”

“Be presumptuous then.”

“Levi—”

“Erwin, I want to fix this.” Levi slid down the railing to sit on the floor. It was dirty, but he didn’t have any strength left in his legs.  

“Levi,” Erwin sighed. Another pause. “Why don’t you relax this weekend? Take Eren out to the city or something. Actually go on a date.”

“Erwin—”

“Levi, you said that I can be presumptuous, and I say that you should relax and think about things other than skating for once.”

“Sectionals is in a month.”

“Take a break, Levi.”

“You want me to take a break from thinking about skating by going out with an Olympics silver medalist?”

“No, I want you to go out with Eren, the person you’ve been interested in for the past five years.”

“Because of skating.”

“Take a break, Levi,” Erwin said. “I’m telling Petra and Erd that if you come in tomorrow instead of a date, they can kick you out.”

Erwin hung up without another word.

Rude.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St. Paul is the US Skating National Championship in 2008.

 

 

 

When it became apparent that Levi could reach regional level, it became a problem. Levi had kept a strict routine of practice along with some gym work, but like Erwin, he put his work schedule first. Levi had to work two jobs, and skating had been his stress relieving activity. It was the same for Erwin too.

“We got a new guy from  _Yale_ ,” Erwin had told Levi one late evening when they went out for a bit to eat at the local pub after practice. He said ‘Yale’ as if it was the most disagreeable thing in the world. Levi nodded in agreement because the name ‘Yale’ meant nothing to him. Besides, Erwin had good eye with people. “I don’t mind training new people.” Erwin apparently had to deal with both administration and random HR stuff like dealing with new people. “But office work can be too much.”

Levi nodded in sympathy. Erwin wasn’t an office kind of person. He was an athlete, for goodness’ sake, and now they stuck him in a tiny, bad air conditioning, overly crowded box of younger people who thought they knew better than Erwin because they had just graduated from college, and Erwin had gone through life in a different path.

“You can say it,” Levi said. “It sucks.”

“Alright, fine. It sucks, and I hate it. I thought I would get used to it after several years, but I just ended up hating it even more every day,” Erwin sighed. “I need to put in more hours if I want to get promoted though.”

“Would it smell less like piss if you get promoted?” Levi asked. Levi had visited Erwin’s office once and declared that he would never visit Erwin’s work place ever again, so if Petra forgot to give Erwin something she could do it herself.

“No, I just get paid more for doing the same thing, but with different people,” Erwin said sullenly. “But I need the money. We already planned to do a small wedding, but it still sucks out a lot of our funds, and then we have to move to a bigger place.”      

“Kids?” Levi asked casually. It was something that he hadn’t thought about and honestly hoped that Erwin wouldn’t ask for advice because he had none.

“Not yet, but maybe.” Erwin drummed his fingers on the counter top, and Levi carefully checked the surface before nodding in approval. It wasn’t the cleanest, but it wasn’t bad.

Levi rested his elbows on the counter top. “Alright, if you think it’s worth it to smell like piss for the rest of your life then by all means, do it.”     

“I don’t smell that bad, do I?” Erwin turned to his shoulder and took a sniff.

Levi hid a smile behind his glass. If Erwin hadn’t figured out his humor by now, well, life would get really rough down the road for him. Erwin wasn’t a slow brain by any means, so he quickly caught on. “Very funny.”

“More importantly, are you sure you’ll be okay with this?” Erwin asked, turning the cup in his hand, condensation beading on the side of the glass.

“Okay with what?”

“Not going to regionals. Stopping here at this level when you know you can be so much better.”

Levi stared at the two pieces of lettuce remnants of what used to be his sandwich. “If I quit even one of my jobs to put in more practice time, I won’t be able to pay you for coaching me.”

“I know.”

“You won’t be able to put in more hours for that promotion. Either that or you won’t be able to see your fiancé.” As of now, both Levi and Erwin didn’t get back home until 10 PM, simply because their schedules didn’t match and they had work to get to. 

“I know.”

“What do you think?” Levi asked.

“Well, what do you want, Levi?”

Levi looked at the wooden cabinets of liquor, the light above glinting on the glass doors. Erwin’s hopeful face was on the reflection, and Levi’s face was too, faint and soft next to the Jameson and the Bushmills. All the noises of the pub seemed to be sucked out as Levi was left in a vacuum with his thoughts.

What about what Erwin wanted? What about what Petra wanted?

But  _what did he want?_  

The answer was simple.

“I want to keep skating.”

Erwin was quiet next to him. Then,

“I want to keep coaching you.”

All of the noises of life in the pub returned to Levi, and Levi felt his heart a hundred times lighter even though he knew the road from now on would only be more difficult.

 

 

 

 

Erwin and Petra were doing this weird thing where they broke up the engagement, but they were still living together. Apparently they weren’t talking to each other either, and if Levi dared to ask, he would be faced with the darkest looks from the both of them.

Petra wouldn’t meet Levi’s eyes for an entire month until he accidentally slipped on the ice one day, and she jumped in to help him up.

“I told you not to try anything when Erwin’s not here. And you’re teaching the kids,” Petra scolded him afterwards when all the kids went home. “What the hell were you thinking?”

Levi stared at Petra in shock because he thought she wasn’t going to speak to him again ever, but here she was, mumbling to herself as she checked his ankle again, “What if you got a serious injury?”  

“I know what I’m doing.”

Petra turned her angry eyes to Levi, and Levi had nearly forgotten how frightening she could be.

“Anyway, I thought you’ll be happy if I can’t skate anymore,” Levi said.

Petra flinched. “How can you think so lowly of me?” Her voice was cold.

“That was mean.”

“It was,” Petra said flatly. She let go of Levi’s ankle and let Levi settled more comfortably on the bleachers.  “I don’t know. I know that skating is really important to Erwin and to you.” Levi noticed that she added him almost like an afterthought, but he couldn’t blame her. “But I guess I wanted more of a say in it.”

“He doesn’t love skating more than you,” Levi said. “If you tell him no, he would listen to you.”

“I know,” Petra sighed. “But I don’t want him to.”

Levi didn’t quite understand what Petra meant.

“I just want a family. Kids.” Petra sighed. “Instead I got—”

“Figure skating obsessed freak,” Levi said as Petra finished her sentence with “Erwin.”

“Which turns out to be the same thing,” Petra agreed.

They sat together in silence for a while. Levi wondered if Petra remembered that she was supposed to be angry at him. Petra usually forgot that she was mad at him. Mainly because he won major brownie points back when she bought this ice skating rink and needed help to keep it up and running.  

“Do you know how I met Erwin, Levi?”

Levi had heard the story about hundred times now. “Your dad was his coach, and he wanted to bang the coach’s daughter even though your dad had a no-hanky-panky-with-my-daughter-rule-ummph—” Petra cut off the rest of his sentence by slapping a hand on his mouth. Levi smacked her hand away. “Those were your exact words.”

“I was drunk!” Petra flushed. “You better not tell Erwin this.” She glared at him, but there was no heat in her eyes, only laughter.

“Are you still talking to him?” Levi asked.

“I’m not done being angry yet.”

“Alright.”

That didn’t make any sense, but Levi figured that making Petra angry was Erwin’s job, not his. For some reason he was still in Petra’s good grace, and he shouldn’t ruin that. So Levi kept his mouth shut.

“Okay, so when I met Erwin, I said that even if I can’t skate competitively anymore, I’m happy just watching him.”

“If you manage to get into Erwin’s pants with that, he’s pretty easy.”

That earned Levi a smack on the arm.

“Sometimes I just—” Petra folded her legs on the seat, her feet planted firmly on the plastic and her chin tucked on her knees. “I wonder if he’s only with me because he had lost figure skating, and I was the only one with him when he had his back injury. I don’t have much going for me. I’m older than him, and I’m always supporting his every decision like a pushover and I just—”

She sighed.

“I want to know if he wanted to choose me or if at the time, he had to choose me. I want to keep him, but it would be nice if he wants to keep me.”

Levi wanted to apologize, but no words would leave his lips.

“Sorry for making you put your dream on hold.” Petra smiled sadly.

“Don’t be. I was about to ask if you guys split, if I could still use the rink here to practice.”

“Bastard!”

“I don’t mean that.”

“I know.”

Another long silence.

“I don’t want to ruin things between you and Erwin,” Levi admitted. If he had to find other means to do what he had to do, he would. It would be tough, but he would.  

“We’ll work it out. Somehow.” Petra turned to Levi and nudged his shoulder. “Just worry about getting your program straight for regionals.”

“Did that mean Erwin could stop sleeping on the couch?”

“I didn’t say that.” Petra pulled at his cheek. “Besides, you get extra points because I love watching you skate.”

“That line might have worked on Erwin, but you can’t get into my pants, Petra.”

“Oh shut up.”

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

Levi didn’t realize how weird it felt to have Eren in his place until Eren tumbled out to the living room yawning and scratching his belly. “G’morning.” Eren blinked a few times until all the sleepiness left his face.

“So.” Levi had planned to go to the gym to do some leg strengthening exercises, but Erd would probably kick him out, and Petra would definitely ban him from the rink. Stupid Erwin. “You want to take a tour of this town or something?”

“Is there anything to see here?”

Good point.                                                                                                  

 “Movie?” Levi said, trying to remember the last time he saw one. “There are a bunch of stores?”

“I want to see the rink where you train,” Eren said. “Unless you don’t want to show me. It’s nothing bad; I just want to see how a  _Levi_  is made.” At Levi’s name, he lifted his tone in a mock-French accent, which Levi recognized as a parody of the NBC announcer for the 2010 US Championship.

Levi hid a smile. “When a penis and a vagina—”

“Oh come on!”

Levi’s lips twitched at Eren’s smile. “I’m not allowed in the rink or the gym this weekend. Erwin’s orders.”

“Why not?”

There was no way Levi would tell Eren that Erwin wanted them to go on a date. Instead, Levi said, “I’m supposed to show you around. Can’t be rude to my guest.”

“What if your guest wants to go to an ice rink?”

Levi pondered this. “I guess I must keep my guest happy.”

 

 

 

 

“It’s a date,” Levi said before Petra could even open her mouth. She looked skeptically at Eren, then to Levi, then to Eren, then to Levi again. Eren seemed to be content with letting Levi did all the talking because he didn’t say a word.

“Really?” Petra said, and if there was an Olympics sport for looking distrusting and hopeful at the same time, she would win a gold medal. She seemed sufficiently satisfied with Levi’s words, however, and immediately turned to Eren with a smile. “Hello there. Can I—shake your hand?” She had that excited gleam in her eyes, and Levi rolled his.

“You’ve met plenty of famous skaters before,” Levi pointed out.

“I’ve never shaken hands with an Olympics medalist before!” Petra protested. “Aside from my father, but that didn’t count.”

“Hello.” Eren shook her hand shyly, probably thrown off by her enthusiasm.

“Your program in Vancouver was absolutely stunning,” Petra gushed. “And that quad axel? Fantastic. Levi insisted on watching you even though he was getting checked up at the hospital.”

Levi felt his knee twitched.

“You watched me?” Eren didn’t even bother to pretend to be polite and just stared at Levi. Levi pointedly looked to the side, trying not to meet Eren’s eyes. “Did you like it? The program? I picked it out because—”

“Yes, I saw it,” Levi said, cutting off Eren’s words because he knew what Eren wanted to say but didn’t want to hear it.  

“The waiting room had this dingy old TV,” Petra chuckled, “and Levi kept cursing at it because occasionally there would be a random white line running across the screen. Levi was loud and rude, but when you did that quad axel? He became dead quiet.”

“It was very good,” Levi said, his voice tight. No one seemed to notice his discomfort, however.

“They said the quad axel wasn’t even in your program, but you just toss that in?” Petra still sounded way too excited about this. Levi didn’t understand why, but every word felt like something sharp piercing his lungs until all the air seeped out.

Eren was talking to Petra, but he kept stealing glances at Levi. “Well, it was a last minute thing. I was hoping but didn’t expect that Levi would be watching.”

“Why wouldn’t I be watching?” Levi’s voice came out sharper than he intended it to be. “It was a good combo, and you got a lot of points for it.”

Eren looked betrayed, and Levi almost felt guilty, but that strange anger was taking over him again, the same one that started both him and Hanji at the therapist’s office. “I didn’t mean to do it for points.”

“It was a good move.”

“Thank you,” Eren said although he didn’t look very happy with the compliment.

“So, if you guys want to use the rink,” Petra looked between Levi and Eren again. “It’s open until 10 AM because that’s when the juniors come in.” She seemed anxious like she wanted to offer to watch them to make sure they wouldn’t start a fight, or rather, that Levi wouldn’t start anything.

“I won’t be on the ice,” said Levi even though he brought his skates with him in his backpack. Suddenly he didn’t want Eren to see him skate.

“But I thought we’re going together?” Eren sounded put-out.

“Do you need someone to hold your hands to keep balance on the ice?” Levi said in a tone reserved for three-year-olds when they didn’t want to go to the dark bathroom by themselves.  

“No, but—”

“If you need anything, I’ll be in the office upstairs.”

“Okay, Petra.”

Levi began walking away, and Eren tried to keep up with him. “Levi, are you mad at me?”

“No. Why do you say that?”

Levi increased his pace, trying to lose Eren’s prying eyes by his side.

“Because you won’t even look at me in the eyes.” Eren jogged next to him, and irritated with Levi ignoring him, jumped out in front of Levi’s path and stopped him abruptly in his track. “Levi, is this about the Olympics? Are you mad because I went to Vancouver and you didn’t?”

That hit way too close to the mark. Levi gave Eren a look that implied it was the dumbest suggestion to ever leave Eren’s mouth, but Eren hesitated only for a fraction of a second before he looked determined to stand his grounds.

“You deserved to go to Vancouver,” Levi said simply before walking around Eren. It was way too early in the morning to have this conversation, and they were in a public place for goodness’ sake.

“Was that sarcasm?”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.” Eren grabbed Levi by the shoulder. Levi gave a heavy sigh as he had to stop in his track for Eren, again.

“No,” Levi turned to Eren. “It wasn’t.”

“You don’t think I deserve it?” Eren was raising his voice, and Levi frantically looked around to see if anyone else was around. Petra was long gone, so no one was here except for them.

“Eren, you deserved it.” That was true. There was no arguing it.

Eren searched Levi’s face for a sign of sincerity, and Levi didn’t have to try very hard to convince him because it was truly what he had felt in his heart at the time and even now, when bitterness gripped him with ugly thoughts. His own jealousy aside, he knew Eren had the skills to be an Olympic skater.

“I knew, when I saw your program at Spokane that you will be heading to the Olympics,” said Levi. “Even before it was my turn to skate.”

Eren stopped then, his anger dulling to an expression of shock. He kept opening his mouth and closing it as if he didn’t expect those words from Levi, and frankly, Levi felt insulted. Levi wasn’t that petty to lie about Eren’s capabilities to hurt him. Eren was brilliant, that was all there was to it. He was brilliant and talented and one of the hardest working people Levi had ever known.  

“You really thought so?” Eren asked timidly.

“I still think so,” Levi admitted. “What, you must have heard this from plenty of people.”

“I do. Everyone did.” Eren scratched the back of his head. “But you’re the first one to see something in me before anyone else had, but when I accomplished this thing everybody but you praised me, and I wanted to hear it from you.”

Wanted to hear it from him?

Was Eren kidding?

The bitterness came back. “Now you have it.”

Eren frowned. “Why are you angry?” 

“That’s all I am: What you can use for validation.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Are you happy to see how pathetic I am in comparison to you that you have to hear my admission to make yourself feel better as a skater?” 

“No! What?” Eren scowled. “That is not what I’ve said.”

“Then you can stop following me like a sad puppy.”

“Why are you mad?”

“Why are  _you_  mad?”

Eren looked like he wanted to rip his own hair from his head from frustration. Levi wasn’t doing any better either. It was a shitty topic and Levi didn’t want to bring it up in the first place, but Eren kept harping on him about it.  _No Eren, it wasn’t your fucking fault. Stop mentioning it. Why did everything have to be about Eren? Erwin too, shut the fuck up._

“Why are we even talking about this now?”

“Then when are we going to talk about it, huh?”

Levi looked away, but Eren refused to back down. “Tell me. When? When will this be important? Levi, you can’t even do a jump right now. Why is it not important now?”

Levi’s knee was jerking with pain, but he swallowed it down. He couldn’t fall in front of Eren, not now. “Drop it, Eren.”

“No! I’m tired of being quiet about it,” Eren said. “I’m tired of waiting for your feelings. You want to know the truth? The real truth? You’re fallen way behind, Levi. The season you took off? New skaters have come in and I’m fighting nail and teeth to keep up and ahead while you’re sitting around doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself. What are you doing? You’re not getting any younger, you’re reaching thirty and the next Olympics might as well be your last!”

Levi swallowed.

He knew.

He already knew all of that without Eren telling him. He already knew that as a twenty-nine year old, he wasn’t going to get any further than this. A has-been, that was what he was. Hell, everyone he knew when he was still skating were retiring—Nile Dawk had two years ago.

That was it.

Levi knew that he was reaching his limit.

Erwin knew the reason why Levi couldn’t skate because he too, knew that Levi’s time was up. Erwin just couldn’t tell Levi himself.  _Don’t think about skating for a weekend_ then it became a week, two weeks, three weeks, a month, a year….

“Are you done?”

Levi didn’t meet Eren’s eyes.

He just heard Eren’s feet shuffled away from him, toward the exit.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

The second time Eren and Levi met was at the 2008 Nationals at St. Paul, but unlike the first time, they didn’t meet in the rink.

Levi had told Erwin that they shouldn’t go to the Starbucks on St. Peter Street because it would be crowded, but Erwin really wanted a latte for some reason. Levi didn’t understand why Erwin couldn’t drink the coffee they had for free at the hotel, but if Erwin wanted to lose two hours for a latte, at least he should have suffered it himself instead of dragging Levi along.

“You ordered something too,” Erwin accused. “Stop complaining.”

True.

“Levi?” A voice called out, and Levi was tempted to turn around, but ninety percent of the time it was someone calling for a different person. Since it wasn’t Petra’s voice, and Erwin was next to him, and unless his parents decided to skip their second cousin’s funeral, Levi highly doubted that it was someone Levi knew.

“Levi!”

Erwin nudged his shoulder. “Someone is calling for you.”

Levi followed Erwin’s gaze to an excited Eren waving at them from a place next to the window.

“You know him?” Erwin smiled back at Eren, but Eren didn’t seem to care until Levi lifted a hand in greeting.

“Yeah. We talked a little last competition.” Apparently it was enough to leave a strong impression on Eren.

“He’s heading this way,” said Erwin.

“I see that.” Levi said, watching as Eren pushed his way through the crowd of people. Someone opened the door and a blast of cold winter air and snow rushed in, and Eren blinked against the chill scratching his eyes before the door swung shut once more.

“Good morning!” Eren smiled.

“Morning,” Levi said, at the same time Erwin smiled back at Eren. “Hello.”

“I’m Eren.” Eren reached out his hand, and Erwin returned the handshake.

“I’m Erwin. Levi’s coach.”

Levi wanted to roll his eyes because of course Erwin knew who Eren was. Erwin did careful research on all of Levi’s possible competitors, and ever since Levi pointed out Eren to Erwin, Erwin had been keeping an eye on Eren as well. _“He got nothing on you yet,”_  Erwin had said.  _“But he’s young.”_

Eren had no idea that Erwin was probably calculating his chances of beating Levi, or at least, he seemed to hide it pretty well. Levi put his bet on the former. Erwin was very good at what he did for a living. Levi’s sponsors didn’t suddenly decide to throw money at Levi for nothing.

“So, you ready for tomorrow?” Levi asked. The barista called out their number, and Erwin excused himself.

“As ready as I will ever be,” Eren chuckled nervously.

“Think you’ll knock me off first place?”

Eren scoffed. “You don’t own first place. Just because you won last year doesn’t mean you’ll win this year.”

“So you do think you can knock me off first place.”

“Well, maybe not me, specifically,” Eren mumbled into his cup. “Not that I can’t skate well, but I don’t think I can place this year. Not with my triple axel.”

“You shouldn’t be telling your competitor this sort of information,” Levi pointed out.

Eren looked at Levi with a deer-in-the-headlight expression, and Levi sighed. “I’m not going to use it against you, but I just want you to know that you can’t go around telling everyone what your weaknesses are.”

“Oh, okay.”

 _Oh, okay?_  Damn it, this kid….

“And about that axel.” Levi remembered Eren’s attempt last competition. “If you’re still having problems with the rotation—”

“I am.”

Damn it, Levi just said not to go around and tell the world his weaknesses. Did this kid befriend his enemies or something?

“You have long limbs, so you tend to overuse that,” Levi said.  He gave Eren’s slender body a one over, and Eren gave him an expression that seemed like he wanted to defend himself.

“I do have muscles and a tight core,” Eren pointed out, as if Levi didn’t know that already. Levi had seen Eren jumped. He knew what Eren’s body type had to be.

“What I’m saying is that you tend to fling your arms for the rotations.” Levi pointedly ignored Eren’s attempt to prove his manliness. Levi’s own body wasn’t short of muscles, so he didn’t need a show. In fact, Levi’s body was a lot stockier than Eren’s in term of muscles. “That doesn’t accomplish anything.”

“Oh really? But—then what should I do? I can’t seem to get enough rotations.”

“Instead of moving your arms about like an idiot,” Levi said. “You practice the back-scratch spin often, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Try to get that same feeling of the back scratch spin on your jump. You’ll rotate a lot better that way.”

“Really?”

“It works for me.”

“Should I really be taking tips from my competitor?” Eren said with a smile, clearly teasing Levi’s paranoid advice.

“Take it or leave it, I don’t care.”

“Okay, I get it. That tip makes a lot of sense.” Eren nodded. He was giving Levi that strange look again, like Levi was someone that he couldn’t quite figure out.

Again, Eren was the weird one here, not him.

“Thank you.” Eren smiled. It was a really annoying smile. Inside his head, his logic was telling him:  _Calm down. This kid was only sixteen. Stop._    

On the other hand, his head said,  _Sixteen turning seventeen_ , as if that made any difference.

Before Levi could call Eren out for staring at him again, Erwin smoothly interrupted with a cup of tea in Levi’s face. “Here you go.”

Eren jumped, as if he was snapped awake from a trance.

Levi shifted his eyes to the cover of the cup.

“Did something happen?” Erwin asked, looking from Eren to Levi.

“Nothing,” Eren and Levi said at the same time. Levi took a peek at Eren from the corner of his eyes, only to meet Eren’s eyes doing the same thing.

“R-ight.” Erwin nodded, sounding entirely unconvinced.

It would be a phrase that became Erwin’s catchphrase whenever Levi gave Eren skating tips for advices about the skating world. Levi would glare at Erwin and said that he had no ulterior motives, and Erwin would pat his shoulder in sympathy with a look that said  _At least wait until he’s legal._

Erwin could say whatever he wanted. All Levi knew was that Eren landed a perfect triple axel that day, and as he stood to get his silver medal next to Levi, his hand may or may not brush against Levi’s.

Those were the times when Levi could actually give Eren advice.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 4 will be up later this week. Since today is the last day of my weekend, I wouldn’t be able to write as much as I’ve been writing for the past two days. XD


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

Erwin had repeatedly told Levi that he didn’t need a quad to go to the Olympics or to win a World Championship. Apparently he had done careful calculations for this, and it would work against Levi to try something new.  

“Erwin, it’s 2008,” Levi scowled. Figure skating had changed since Erwin last competed. Landing a quad was becoming an expectation for high level figure skater, and Levi wasn’t going to back down. “I don’t care about the Olympics or World Championships. I just want to land a quad.”

“You did,” said Erwin, referring to Levi’s many successes with the quad toe and ultimately the quad toe-triple toe- triple loop combination that helped him earned gold at Nationals.

“I want to add a quad axel,” said Levi.

Erwin was silent.

“No.”

“Why not?”

Levi already knew why though. Landing a quad axel was serious points, but failing could cost him the podium. Not to mention he was suggesting a combination.

“Way too risky.”

“ _Erwin._ ”

“ _Levi._ ”

“I can do it. I have to do it.”

“Why?”

“I’m bringing a quad axel to the World Championship or I won’t bring anything at all.”

Erwin quickly swallowed down his irritation and calmly said. “You’re confident that you can land it at the World Championship next year?”

No.

“I can only trust in my abilities,” said Levi. “I can’t give you a promise on the outcome.”

“You’re getting overly confident.”

Perhaps. It was still a struggle to land a quad axel cleanly, but the 2009 World Championship would be his chance. He had been preparing for it since last year, and while he hadn’t tried it in competition yet because of Erwin’s advice, he wanted to try it now.

Erwin didn’t get it. Levi thought that Erwin, of all people, would get it. There was something special about chasing that elusive jump that had been out of his reach for years now. After Levi had mastered the triple axel and combinations, he knew he could set his sight even higher.

“Just a quad axel.”

Erwin shook his head.

“No.”

 

 

 

 

Levi’s free skate program at the 2009 World Championship didn’t have a quad axel in it. Erwin’s orders.

But then Levi saw Nile Dawk attempted a quad axel in the short, and it didn’t matter that he didn’t land it, Levi wasn’t going to let anyone or anything deterred him from trying, not even Erwin.

Levi imagined Erwin’s furious expression as he launched himself in the air, vaulted over his left feet and let momentum blurred away everything, his heart pounding painfully in his chest for that one extra rotation that he needed, until gravity jerked at his guts.

The world scrambled to right itself as Levi landed on the ice, his legs thrumming with adrenaline and excitement. Levi was about to launch himself into another jump for a combination, but a tilt of imbalance in his body forced him to transition into the steps with the music.

 _Not today_ , said his body.

 _Not yet_ , said the music.  

But Levi couldn’t hear the fear that was gripping him anymore. It stumbled behind his vision, lost in the afterthought. A dip in the music pulled at his body, and he tilted his body back, gliding through the ice with only his kneed upright, arms spread wide while wind ran over his arms as if they were wings.

He did it.

He landed the jump.

There was no greater feeling than the feeling of freedom expanding his lungs as if they were balloons.

 

 

 

 

“Oh fuck you, Levi,” Erwin whispered harshly into Levi’s ears as he got off the rink. Erwin didn’t even bother to hide his excitement as he yanked Levi into a hug. “You bastard. I should have known that you would pull this on me.”

To be fair, Erwin did expect it. Levi noticed that there was a strange gap in the first program of the free skate, a gap that a quad axel would fit perfectly in.

Despite his overly obsessed need to count points, Erwin knew how important the jump was for Levi.

“It was under-rotated,” Erwin said when the score came in.

“Yeah.” Levi knew. He didn’t count the number of rotations he was doing, but he had an idea. “It’s not going to be under-rotated next time.” 

 

 

 

 

Eren called Levi after Levi went to the hospital for his knee injury, but Levi missed it because he turned off his phone.

“Ummm, hope you get well soon” was Eren’s voice mail. Loud noises and the sound of intercom hummed in the background, and Levi could almost imagine as if he was still at the ice rink, waiting for the results.

It was a testament of how desperate he had become because he saved Eren’s voice mail to listen to later.

 

 

 

 

Levi’s fall and injury at the 2010 Nationals were the buzzing news of the figure skating world. It was noisy and annoying, and Levi could only stand so many “If Levi wasn’t injured, he would have win gold at the Olympics.” More importantly, Levi wondered how Eren was coping. He knew that Eren wanted to be recognized, and the speculations and doubts that the US figure skating community had with Eren weren’t easy things to handle.

Most of all, Levi knew they were both sore because 2010 wasn’t a fair fight. Eren looked happy on that podium receiving gold, but Levi knew he wanted a fight with Levi that didn’t involve Levi forfeiting due to injury. Eren wanted to win by his skills alone.

His knee was going to heal, Levi thought. It was going to heal, and he could jump straight back into competition. And then they would have that fight that they wanted to badly to have. 

His knee was going to heal, and he was going to tackle that quad axel again.

 

 

 

 

Levi called Eren back, but Eren wouldn’t pick up.

 

 

 

 

The doctor said his knee would take a long time to heal.

He’d placed a lot of strain on it, and with the constant exertion, combined with the fact that he was approaching thirty, meant that his knee wasn’t going to be as strong as before.

Then the doctor said some other things, but Levi didn’t really hear him. Developing back problem, something wrong with his hip joint. He didn’t want to hear what the doctor had to say. The doctor had suggested that he take it easy because he was approaching the typical retirement age for competitive figure skating, but—

Levi simply turned to Erwin.

“Can I still land a quad axel with this?”

But Erwin had turned pale at the words “back problem” and couldn’t answer Levi.

 

 

 

 

By the third time that Levi tried to call Eren back, and he didn’t pick up, Levi’s pride told him to stop.

 

 

 

 

Despite Erwin’s advice, Levi wanted to see the men’s free skate at the Vancouver Olympics. Even if he missed his chance to go, and Erwin totally made him miss the men’s short program on purpose, Levi wasn’t going to miss seeing Eren at the Olympics.

Levi could never forget it. He was sitting in the waiting room with Petra this time because Erwin was having a world of fun sulking in a corner and Levi couldn’t deal with it right now. Levi was getting sick of Erwin telling him to take it easy too.

“Give him some time,” Petra patted Levi’s shoulder. “He’s sort of in shock right now, and his serious back injury was the reason why he had to stop skating.”

“But that doesn’t mean it would be my reason to stop skating,” Levi grumbled. He knew he was being insensitive to Erwin’s sore spot, and he needed to consider Erwin’s feelings in all of this, but Levi had to get back into competitions as soon as his knee healed and he didn’t have time to stop.

“It’s not easy for Erwin, you know,” Petra said. “Wanting to skate so badly but have to put that aside to coach you, and then having to watch you do things that he couldn’t do again every single day.”  

Levi didn’t say anything because Petra had hit the nail in the head. Levi knew this, but as long as Erwin didn’t mention it, he wouldn’t mention it either.

Sometimes Levi wondered if Erwin considered him as a friend. Levi wondered if they could even be friends, considering how they both enjoyed the art of let’s-not-talk-about-it. Especially since there was that giant elephant in the room, the burning questions that Levi had had for a while but didn’t have the chance or the guts to ask: How did Erwin really feel about Levi skating? How did Erwin really feel about Levi doing all the things that he wanted to do so badly but never would be able to do?

“Maybe I’ll be joining Erwin in retirement soon,” Levi half joked, half telling the truth.

“What?” Petra looked at him questioningly, and suddenly all the insecurities that he had been hiding was hitting him full force, all the things that he feared but couldn’t ask Erwin for consolations because they were the demons that Erwin couldn’t successfully face down himself. 

“Doc said that my knee would have problems healing, and apparently I have back and hip problems too,” Levi said, watching as Petra’s face turned sympathetic. It was a relief from watching Erwin’s face ashened into memories of his own past.

“That’s alright,” said Petra. She rubbed his back gently. “Take your time to recover, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.”

“Erwin thinks I should retire,” Levi blurted out.

“Is that his professional opinion?”

“I don’t know,” Levi admitted. “He’s been weird ever since I got injured.”

“Right.”  

A loud cheer interrupted their conversation, and they both turned to the old TV hanging above the corner table of the waiting room. Levi watched as Eren smoothly get on the ice, the announcer excitedly listed out Eren’s stats, competitions that he had won, his background as a skater, and of course most annoyingly, how Eren had taken Levi’s place at the Olympics.  

Eren had a different outfit on, although it was the same fire theme that he had at Nationals. Instead of shorter sparks of red and gold, the a light cloth of red long flames ran across his body, spiraling from the bottom of his hip up his chest, fading into gold as it curled on his left shoulder. It ruffled in the air as he moved, light like feathers.

“Could someone change the channel on this?”

Levi snapped to the person who dared to suggest such a thing. “What?” Of course, this ended up be an argument between Levi and an irritated father, and Petra had to remind Levi that he was going to miss Eren’s skating if he didn’t stop.

Levi was still huffing under his breath as he returned his attention to the TV. 

Petra shook her head.

Levi silently thanked Petra because he could have missed Eren’s jump if he kept arguing.

Stravinsky’s Firebird danced across the room, and they watched as Eren rose up to the music. Levi gripped the arm rests of his seat, full of anticipation because he knew that Eren had a lot of energetic jumps in this program, and the choice of music fitted Eren perfectly.

Levi’s heart squeezed tightly because he had only mentioned Firebird to Eren once, but Eren remembered. “Stravinsky’s Firebird is perfect for him.”

“Alright,” Petra said, not having very strong opinion about this. She looked surprised at how animated Levi was, and she said so.     

“This will be his first jump in the program,” said the announcer before Levi could reply to Petra’s comment. “Triple axel combination.”

Levi would never forget this moment. There was something about Eren’s entry into the jump that flashed warning bells in his head. In the brief seconds that Eren jumped into the air, Levi had a feeling that  _something_  was going to happen because this wasn’t Eren’s usual entry into a triple axel.

Levi numbly watched Eren, a strange drop tugging at his stomach as Eren’s right skate landed on the ice at a strange angle, and next to him, Petra let out a gasp as Eren stumbled on to this other foot, forcing both of his feet on the ground, but Eren managed to balance himself before a fall.

“That was a close one,” Petra sounded relieved. “Levi? You alright?”

“That was a quad axel.”

“What? Really?” Petra’s eyes darted back to the screen, just as the announcer laughed in excitement, babbling about Eren’s attempt at a quad because it was the first try the entire evening that didn’t ended up in a fall, and at such a young age.

“That’s awesome,” Petra clasp her hands. “Wow.”

Petra was saying other things too, but Levi couldn’t hear her because there was a buzzing in his ears.

Eren’s attempt at a quad axel was the only attempt that didn’t end in a fall. He ended up with silver.

 

 

***

 

 

Levi got about a few minutes in the ice rink before Petra came down to check on him. Her wish to give him some space to sort things out lasted only a grand total of ten minutes, and she called out to him. “Levi!”

Like Erwin, Petra didn’t take crap from Levi.

“What?” Levi skated to the side of the rink to where she was.   

“You didn’t make up with Eren, did you?”

“Why? There’s nothing to make up,” Levi said uncomfortably.

“I saw Eren storming out of here without even a good bye.” Petra crossed her arms, glaring at him accusingly. “Are you…is Erwin right? Are you having problem skating because of Eren?”

“Why does everything have to be about Eren?” Levi scowled. “Fucking Erwin, going around and talking shit.”

“Levi, are you by any chance,” Petra’s eyes darted away from his face. “Jealous?”

Levi paused.

He sighed. “Why did Eren have to come?”

Petra’s eyes softened as she gently rubbed his hand, which was clenching at the side of the rink so tightly his knuckles turned white. “Levi, you know that he’s not here to mock you, right? He’s really worried about you.”

“That makes it worse.”

“Yeah.” She squeezed his hand. “It does.”

It was a painful admission, and his ears burned with the humility of it, but the anxiety pulling at the back of his mind became lighter. “Eren’s a good kid.” In Levi’s mind though, no matter how good a person Eren was, he would always be a competitor. 

“He is.”

“It’s obvious that I like him.”

“It is.”    

“I don’t want to lose him.” Levi glanced at Petra, wondering if she was going to back away, but Petra looked patient as she waited for him to recollect his thoughts, and Levi had a strange realization that everyone had always been patient with him, her and Erwin and Hanji. They weren’t going anywhere. “But I’m losing my ability to skate, and I’m losing Eren.”

Both as a mentor and a competitor.

Levi remembered Eren’s angry outburst.  _You’re fallen way behind, Levi. The season you took off? New skaters have come in and I’m fighting nail and teeth to keep up and ahead while you’re sitting around doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself_ _._

It was true. Levi had one thing going for him and one thing that got Eren interested in him, and now he didn’t have that anymore. He couldn’t jump. He couldn’t catch up. He couldn’t mentor Eren. He couldn’t compete with Eren anymore.    

“Eren came for you.”

Levi met Petra’s eyes. “He might be fighting with all of his might to stay on top, and you know better than me how hardworking he is. But the matter of fact is, he made time for you.”

Levi knew. He didn’t want to believe it, and his heart wouldn’t let him hope, but he knew. “I hate him for that.”

“No, you don’t.”

Levi gave Petra a rare tilt of his lips. He couldn’t hate Eren. That was the worst part. Levi might be jealous and insecure and angry and wanting to take out that anger on Eren, but deep inside, he didn’t want to lose Eren. He wished he could because no matter how good Eren was to him, Levi would always see Eren as competition, but at the same time, he was glad that he couldn’t hate Eren because Eren was still here.

“I don’t,” Levi admitted.

They fell into a comfortable silence. Petra gave Levi’s hand one last comforting squeeze before letting go. Levi wanted to say something, possibly a ‘thank you,’ but there was something inadequate about those words so he couldn’t say them aloud. Instead, he said, “You’re pretty stupid for hovering around my stinky ass all the time. You and Erwin both.”

“We deserve medals for dealing with your shit.” Petra mockingly sighed. “Lucky for you, we don’t want or need anything in return.”

This was one of the reasons why Levi hesitated to talk to Petra about this even though he wanted to. She was always reassuring, but the wave of stupid emotions often left him speechless. At some level, he knew these things that Petra was telling him, but at the same time it was nice to be reassured.

“Good,” said Levi. “Because I don’t have anything to give you in return.”

“You gave us plenty.”

Levi doubted that, but he didn’t want to start an argument with Petra that he couldn’t finish.

“Talk to Eren, Levi,” said Petra. “Once you’re done with that, I think there is a conversation that you need to have with Erwin that’s long overdue.” 

 

 

 

 

By the time Levi returned to his place, Eren was sitting on the floor next to the door waiting for him. They looked at each other in awkward silence at first, both at a loss of what to say now that they had cooled down from their confrontation at the ice rink. Levi felt the stupidity of the words that he sprouted out just hours before, and Eren looked equally abashed.

Levi spoke first. “So, you want to go get food?”

“Yeah.” Eren rose to his feet. “Can I grab my wallet first? I left it behind this morning.”

Levi fished the keys from his pocket and opened the door. He felt too aware of Eren’s presence right behind him. Eren was shifting nervously, and Levi knew that he had a lot to say.

They got inside, and Levi waited for Eren to grab his wallet from the guest room. He rehearsed the words that he was going to say to Eren, but by the time Eren reappeared in front of him, stuffing the wallet in his pocket, Levi didn’t know how to start. He looked down at the ground, belatedly realizing that Eren just tracked dirt into his condo and was about to admonish Eren for it when Eren blurted out. “I’m sorry.”

Levi’s thoughts came to a halt.

“I had a feeling that you would be angry that I went to Vancouver and you didn’t, but I wanted to see you anyway,” Eren said, wiggling his fingers in his jacket pockets.

“You ignored my calls,” Levi bit out, but he quickly took the reign over his emotions once more. Eren looked absolutely guilty at that, and now Levi felt bad because Eren wasn’t obligated to answer Levi’s calls. They weren’t anything to each other, but still.

“I was angry, not at you.” Eren paused for a moment, probably mulling over his words. “Maybe I was. Everyone was saying that I didn’t deserve to win gold at the Nationals in Spokane and that should have been you.”

“Eren—”      

“I couldn’t land quads cleanly. I didn’t have any quads in my program because of that, and there I was, going to the Olympics to represent the United States when you were the one that could land quads. You were the one that was talented. You were the one with the difficult program and great technical skills. You were actually a World Champion.”

But Eren did have the skills. He didn’t have experience then, but he was the hardest working skater Levi had ever known, and he deserved Vancouver. He was at the World Championship level now, just as Levi knew he would be. And he—

“You got a quad axel in,” Levi said, feeling a sharp twitch in his heart. He told himself to swallow it down. It wasn’t time for his petty jealousy to get a hold of him. “That’s something even I couldn’t do.”

“Oh come on, I couldn’t land it, and it was under-rotated,” said Eren. “You got one in at the World Championship the year before.”

Levi shook his head, feeling a strange urge to laugh. “No. Under-rotated.”

“I watched you and that was not under-rotated.”

Now Eren was just praising him too much. “It was. I’m sure.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s really hard to get that last half of the rotation in.”

“I had a choice between completing that last part of the rotation and not stumbling on the ice. Didn’t want to fuck up my limbs so I went for the balance.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Eren looked at Levi for a moment with an understanding expression on his face, and then Levi couldn’t take it anymore; the situation was weird because they were supposed to be talking about important things or arguing, but here they were discussing how the quad axel was such a difficult son of a bitch to do.

So before Eren could, Levi broke into laughter, knowing that he was being ridiculous but he didn’t care. He just felt so much lighter for reasons he didn’t understand. Eren followed him after, although his laugh cracked in short bursts as he stared at Levi in shock, probably because he had never seen Levi laughed before.

Once Levi started laughing, it was difficult to stop. It was as if all the laughter that he had bound up inside under years of stress and competitiveness and jealousy and self-hatred and depression were bursting free. Nothing in this situation was funny in the least, but Levi felt like laughing, so laughed he did.

“I don’t,” Eren hiccupped between laughs that softened into chuckles. “Don’t even—remember—what—we’re talking about.”

“I hated you, you know,” Levi said, feeling his tongue loosened considerably. “You landed the fucking axel at the Olympics and I fell on my ass.”

Eren’s chuckles died out completely then as he watched Levi with a contemplative expression.

“I was so fucking furious at you, you bastard,” Levi scowled, but there was little heat in his words.  The bitterness remained though, going strong even through all these years. “I fell on my ass with that quadruple axel at Nationals, and you just decided to do that one thing I couldn’t do in your program at Vancouver.” Things were becoming clearer and clearer to Levi, each knot binding his chest under layers of anger and frustration was unwinding. “And you didn’t answer my calls.” Levi had thought Eren hated him and wanted to rub on his wound out of spite.

“I didn’t mean to do it to mock you.” Eren looked horrified, and Levi already known that, but he couldn’t help being angry about it. “Everyone said I couldn’t possible get on the podium because I didn’t have the skills to land a quad, and I just wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to,” Eren swallowed. “I wanted to impress you.”

“You did amazing,” Levi said, finally saying the words that were two years late. “It was the best program that I’ve ever seen from you, and if you landed that quad axel perfectly, you would have gotten gold.”

There was no doubt in Levi’s mind that Eren was a skater was someone on par with Levi’s caliber. It was a difficult thing for Levi to accept, but it was what it was. Eren had been catching up to him, he had known, but it was something his pride had difficulty understanding.

“Really?” Eren looked so hopeful that Levi was reminded of the first time they had talked face to face, when Levi was the first person who told Eren that he had potential to go further than anyone else had expected him to. Here Eren was today, a skater that Levi had always known him to be. He was only twenty years of age and still had a lot of time ahead of him to improve.

“That Canadian got nothing on you.” Levi was referring to the twenty-four year old Canadian who became World Champion this year.

“Well, he got 0.75 points above me.” Eren chuckled. “You saw?”

“I couldn’t miss you at World Champion,” Levi admitted.

He didn’t notice when Eren had gotten to close to him until Eren tentatively touched his shoulder and Levi’s breath hitched because his face was only an inch from Eren’s chest. Levi lifted his head to look at Eren through his eyelashes, and Eren swallowed heavily.

Levi didn’t know what he was waiting for until Eren gingerly placed his hand under his chin. He slowly let out the breath that he had been holding in as Eren leaned down.

“I’ve always wanted to be your equal.” Eren’s breaths were hot against Levi’s cheeks, and Levi felt his throat going dry. “Now, I finally am.”

Levi knew that this was it, the moment that they had been slowly working towards over the past five years with short, heated glances across the rink, with phone calls that were actually answered before their stupid clash, with the silent watching of each other’s careers, and with the accidental meetings and not so accidental ones. This was something that he had grown to want from Eren. He had thought that an opportunity wouldn’t come again because he had become a has-been, but here Eren was, proving that he hadn’t forgotten Levi at all.

Levi wanted to lean into Eren’s touch, but he couldn’t.

He pulled away from Eren.

“Let’s—,” Levi paused, feeling disoriented. “Let’s go eat.”

As Levi expected, Eren looked completely indignant. “What was that?” His voice came out in almost a whine.

“I’m hungry,” Levi said, and Eren gave him a look that implied that he was willing to feed Levi with certain things with no nutritional values to solve a different kind of hunger.

Levi smacked Eren’s arm before Eren could say something undoubtedly crude.

“Okay fine, let’s go eat,” Eren grumbled, clearly not happy. Levi watched his face for a sign, but he seemed blissfully unaware of Levi’s complicated feelings.

But Levi couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be Eren’s equal. Eren was only in the beginning stages of exploring his potential whereas Levi was reaching the end of his. Even if they were supposedly equal now, it couldn’t last. Eren was going to be some place out of his reach, and there was nothing that Levi could do with his aging body.  

Levi knew that he could cut Eren loose here and now, but as Eren turned to him with that reassuring grin, Levi couldn’t help but want to keep going, his body be damned.

 

 

 

 


End file.
